Monday, April 04, 2005

At Wits End: All of My Classmates Write on LiveJournal.#comments

Open Diary Entries End Here

I decided NOT to finish posting my entries, simply because someday, someone may find them, and that someone may be someone I don't want to find them...I should've picked a different username, because the one I use is my nickname, and I have a very unique nickname, I mean come on....Pange? Who's ever even heard of that even being a word, nevermind a name? Exactly my point...all the people I wouldn't really want to find this would know it was me, so therefore, I'll keep my OpenDiary entries that are just too private to be completely public. So if any of my "favorites only" are out there...if ya wanna know something...ask me on Open Diary, because I simply will not share them here. Especially all the "Joe" stuff. If you are interested in this, my name is the same on Open Diary, leave me a note under my "Favorites Only" entry and I'll check you out and then decide if I'll add you or not...there. Why am I here anyways? I hardly have time to do all this, but I guess I can escape this way...I have nothing innovative to say right now, so this is it I guess...

School Stinks

Hey thanks for all the notes, I'm feeling loved, I've only been here a few days, this site is kinda cool. I always thought, an online journal, how stupid is that? But now I'm thinking this isn't that bad, I could get used to it. So about today....nothing really happened.....school was its usual worldly self, and once I again I have failed to control my mouth....*sighs* I did really good like the first two weeks of school and then it went downhill from there. Are there any other JW's in school out there? *black.star* is, I think, what is a day like in your school? Do things go just as badly for you? I can't control my mouth, it's like automatic. I have like an on and off swear button. I never swear anywhere else but school, and that seems to be the only place that it doesn't bother me. I feel desensitized, cause it's only when I get home that I realize how bad my speech was in school, never when it's actually coming out....it's so deeply engrained in my head....Like today...one of my old friends was talking to me, and I felt like I was BRAGGING about the time when the two of us got drunk (yeah I wasn't a good person at 14) we were laughing so hard about it, and now I feel awful...It was like I was remoniscing about it, not looking back and thinking "wow...I was bad" This seriously needs to stop....I know some people wouldn't think it's a big deal, but I want to be the sister that girls look up to. I want to be like sister Ruff!!! She is one of the strongest people I have ever met in my life....she's married to a guy that recently became and elder, they're both pioneers, and they carried on the absolute BEST courtship that I think is possible being imperfect. They both love Jehovah so much, and you can tell. That's who i want to be like. I have some major improvements to make!!!!!

Explanation

Explanation
3/16/2005
Ok, to answer any questions any of you may have, seriously, you'd get the best answers if you talk to one of Jehovah's Witnesses on a personal basis. This can be done by looking in your phone book for a local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses, writing to a branch office (the address is located on our magazines, Watchtower and Awake!), visiting the website www.watchtower.org, or even by sincerely praying for a Witness to contact you personally ( I'm serious, Jehovah WILL listen if you are truly looking for answers, you have to believe) I would go into further detail, but since this IS the internet, I would strongly advise you to NOT look for answers here (except the website) Jehovah's Witnesses have an extrememly organized organization, and I would only recommend using that to get the true answers to your questions.
I had to study for at least a year just to scratch the surface of Jehovah's Witnesses, and I did it only through the organization. It would be practically impossible to explain things here. It is the true religion! I would've never believed it in the past. It is truly Bible-based and everything is practical. There is no "brain washing" as some people think. It is very down-to-earth, and I swear the answers become so clear through the Bible. We have a lot of literature, but it's only used as a road map into the Bible. None of the ideas come from man, only from God's word.
I hope this helps you, and no, you weren't being rude at all! It's so nice to see a spiritually minded person in this cold world we live in. I think you'd enjoy a book called "Reasoning From the Scriptures" it can explain everything for you. If you ever run into a Witness ask them for this book, or contact the branch office and they will send it to you!!

My Life Story

I don't think I'll have time to finish this today, but here goes....
I was 13 years old, and I had been raised a Witness since I was 2. My mother was baptized in '93, and my Dad studied for a long time, came so close, but failed to get baptized, I think on account of not being able to quit smoking, and also "fear of man" (the thought of field service scared him to death!). Mom had become inactive when I was around 9, and Dad kinda stopped making progress. I don't know why she stopped attending, she just kind of drifted away, but it wasn't like she turned against everything, Jehovah was always mentioned on a daily basis. We usually attended the memorial and assemblies during this time period. Anyway, the brothers sent a sister out to study with my Mom when I was 13, for encouragement to return to meetings and such. Mom started going on Sundays, which I wasn't happy with at all, since she brought me and my brother, Bill. I didn't want to argue with her, because I didn't want to hurt her, but I had made the decision that I would "pretend" until I was 18 and then I was outta there (little did I know then EVERY one knows when you're "pretending"). Mom then had me and Bill sit in on the study with Rita. After a few months of aimlessly answering whatever my mother wanted to hear, Rita had us split up. That meant having a study, just me and Rita. (I think it was the summer I turned 15 that this happened) I was so scared I didn't know what to do, but I went along with it. I liked Rita, cause I knew her well at this point. I remember our very first study, she had got us seafood and we were about to go over the first lesson when she asked me a few questions, I can't remember the question that hit me, but I remember feeling I couldn't lie to Rita. At that time, my bad self just wouldn't allow it. I knew she had got to me, so here was the response I gave "I never really felt close to this" I was talking about the JW religion. I wasn't lying either, because my whole life I just never felt close to anyone in the truth besides my mom, and although I knew she loved Jehovah, she didn't really seem close to the congregation, which I guess probably affected me too. In the back of my mind I knew something was about to change, and I didn't like it. I was "in the hole" so I thought, and there was no climbing out either. It was either have the fight with Mom about wanting nothing to do with it, or just "pretend" and lie to everyone. I may have not wanted anything to do with the truth, but I sure couldn't lie up a storm that badly, it hurt my conscience that I didn't even know was developing. Needless to say, I sat on my problem for a few months and went along with everything. So then it was June, and it was assembly time, oh boy. For those of you who don't know what a convention is, that's when about 5,000 of us Witnesses gather in a stadium, or assembly hall, and we sit there all day long and listens to all kinds of diffent talks. If you're not good at paying attention, or you don't want to, conventions are also known as "the Most Boring Experience on the Planet." Keep in mind I fell into both of these categories. Mom wasn't feeling well, so I went alone with Rita. I can still remember that when we broke for lunch, I sat there with my lunch, not eating it, and I looked all around me. The brothers and sisters seemed so happy and content, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. I thought, "why would you want to give up so much in life when you don't know if any of it is true?" then I did something I hadn't done in years, which I couldn't have told you why I did it, but something moved me to. For the first time since I was like 7 I prayed to Jehovah. I remember it went something like this: "Dear Jehovah, I'm not sure if you really exist or not, but if you do, please help me to make this decision of wether I want to do this or not. These people look so happy and I don't understand why, please help me understand. In your son's name, Jesus Christ, Amen" and then I ate my lunch alone in my seat, surounded by all these happy smiling faces.
The rest of the convention was good I guess, I can't remember if I payed attention but I probably did. I was almost sad for the first time when it was over, even though usually you're really tired out after two or three days of sitting there. It was on the ride home with Rita, and her son, Kevin, a Bethelite (in New York, where they publish JW literature, it's the coolest thing a person can do), when all of a sudden in my mind I said to myself "I want this." I'm not sure really why I said that, but it was kinda like when you scream something in your head. I was shouting and nobody knew it. I will never forget that day when Jehovah answered my prayer.
That all happened early June when I was 15 years old. I really started to enjoy my studies with Rita, and I made so many changes in my life that summer. It was the best summer of my life, next to the one after it (we'll get there, eventually). I became un unbaptized publisher (that means you can work out in the door-to-door ministry, but you're not baptized yet). I didn't want to go back to school after that summer, but I had to. Rita and I studied all the way through the next school year, and I worked really hard the next summer, when I was 16. We finished the Knowledge That Leads to Everlasting Life book (published by JWs), which you have to study through in order to become a witness, just so that you can gain enough basic Bible knowledge to be successful in your ministry. I was going to get baptized in October. As a bit of a reward, Rita brought me to New York, to see Bethel (the place where our literature is published, where Rita's son lives). It was the best vacation I have ever had. We also went to The Stanley Theatre, a beautiful assembly hall that the JWs rennovated. It used to be a theatre back in the 1920's I think, and when they rennovated it, it was more beautiful, words can't describe it.
Then on October 10, 2004 I was baptized finally!!! It was the happiest day of my life...so now I've been baptized for a year and a half now, and things are going great. I'm so glad Jehovah found me. Even though I had done some really bad and topsy-turvy things when I was 13 and 14, Jehovah still saw the good in me. So that concludes my life story, and how I became one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I look back at my old self, and just laugh, but I don't forget it. Keeping in mind the progress I've made helps me to move forward !!

"Joe"

So...what's new in my life? I cannot wait any longer to graduate, and be done with all this worldly influence...I'm sick of feeling like a hypocrite whenever I walk into school and the first thing that pops outta my mouth is a swear. It gets annoying to fight against the urge so hard, only to fall flat on your face and give in. I HATE it so much. I want to start life and be free!!! I wish I could fast forward the next two years, cause then timing would be perfect. The person who we will call "Joe" would be more spiritually active, like maybe an attendant, cause that's what I always pictured my guy. He'd be a pioneer, an elder, or a ministerial servant. I always told myself to set the spiritual standards wicked high, then once all these things check out, look into his personality. Well, all this preperation is seeming to fail at the moment....sort of. It's not that "Joe" isn't spiritual, it's just that he's not the standard I had set for myself. Why don't I just explain "Joe's" story from the beginning.
"Joe" was raised as a witness (he is baptized), then when he was around 18-20, I think, he split and went out and got the job, left the truth behind him, and moved up North to get away from us JW's. Two years earlier than today,when "Joe" was I think 27, a brother in my bookstudy group found him out in service and, no joke, he opened the door, looked at them, and exclaimed "How the (censored) did you find me??!!" He's been attending meetings and everything ever since that day. He even got rid of his prized gotee. He's been making excellent rapid progress, and I can see a deep appreciation for the truth, I think the only drawback in this situation is time. I know that I only like the spiritual guys, because I never even started to notice "Joe" until I heard some of the comments he makes at the bookstudy. That's when the "observing" began. You know, when you kinda look at someone and you think to yourself "huh....maybe" as if the light comes on. He's only caught my attention, it's not like I'm swept off my feet, but alot of analyzing goes into this process. I'm determined not to lose my head in this, cause that's the last thing anybody would want in my situation. Once those emotions are involved, it's all over...
There's another thing that would have to be overcome if anything could happen between me and "Joe." I'm 17, baptized for a year, he's 29, returning. Basically we're at the same place spiritually (which is not what I'm shooting for, there's plenty of future goals that need to be accomplished before I could persue any kind of a relationship!!!). Our age is so far off though, and I don't know if he'd want to wait for me, but at the same time, spiritually, he shouldn't be ready for marriage. I think we're kinda both like "huh....maybe" but neither of us wants to even say anything to each other about this, because if it were ever possible, timing right now is way off...the "observing" period is also the best time to get to know a person, whereas "dating" adds so much more pressure, and you're less likely to be yourself when that's on your shoulders. Either way, if it's him, fine, if it's not, that's fine too. I've talked to Jehovah about all this for awhile now, and even though it doesn't seem to be going away, like past experiences have, I know in the end everything will be fine as long as my spirituality is first in my life! More entries such as this will come later....in the mean time...I'm out!!

17 stinks

This is an e-mail I sent to my friend Felicia, the person who got me to come here.....I suppose it's my first entry...
"Wow...I think I'm having a mid life crisis or something. I'm sitting on the voc bus, and all these old songs are on the radio (we were screaming a Backstreet Boys song when it came on), and I was thinking to myself "wow, I miss being 14, and 15" and then I thought about how graduation is only a few months away, and so is 18. I think about "Joe", or all the stuff I want to do after graduation. Then I see these girls between the ages of 18-20 and how they're acting/dressing, and I don't want to be them. But I do. Sometimes I feel like I need to grow up, but then I don't want to. I'm so confused, I thought I was done with this crap already. Aren't you supposed to be done with this at 14? Hmm...I see kids my age and I think "why don't they seem to care? Why are they acting so childish? Don't they realize how close the 'real' world is?" I just don't understand I guess. Sometimes I feel like I'm wise beyond my years, but I don't want to act and be that way. I want to be a teenager forever!!!! But I don't want to be alone, I want to settle down, it seems so exciting to find love. I just feel so depressed about everything, and I get mad that I'm not enjoying what time I have left. It's like 18 is death to me...I don't want to die. Nobody else seems to feel the same way. I want to get out of school!! I'm sick of the pressure, the work, and all the junk!!! But I still sit here in my 14 and 15 mind, remembering thinking "why would anyone want to graduate? I would miss everything so much" You would think the whole "senior" thing would have already sunk in, but it seems it hit me like a brick a week ago, and more are being flung in my face. I don't think I've ever been more confused and torn in my life. I just don't understand why nobody else seems to talk about these things more often. Why don't kids our age talk about these kind of things? Are we just too scared at how "deep" this crap goes? Or is it too fun to just forget about it and "have fun"? Wow, I am so far on a tangent, this is an open diary entry...eh? maybe I'll try to register again....seriously though, think about all the people you know our age and ask your self how many deep questions concerning them you know the answer to....for instance...."what exactly do they want to do with their life? What is their biggest concerns and worries?" I dunno I can't think of many at the moment, but just look at the mutts. How many of us know truly what a day in the life of each other's shoes is like? We don't. I dunno....life is just seeming not all it's cracked up to be. I know their have been many before me who have questioned these things before, but I just don't know......Getting old sucks big time, especially when you feel that way at 17."
So I guess here I am....live from New Hampshire.

Moving Day!

Yeah, so I'm going to attempt to move all my entries from OpenDiary to here...hopefully this won't be as annoying as I think it will...